The 4 ages of Christmas:

1) You believe in Father Christmas

2) You don't believe in Father Christmas

3) You become Father Christmas

4) You just look like Father Christmas

"What has 300 legs and 7 of its own teeth? ...

The front row at a Rolling Stones concert."

A couple go out for their anniversary to a chinese restaurant.  The menu is fairly extensive, so they find it quite difficult to decide what to have.  The waiter suggests they have the Surprising Chicken.

A little later, two steaming plates arrive, covered with metal lids.  Before these get removed, the women says to her husband.  "I'm sure your lid moved and two eyes were looking out."  Sure enough, the same thing happened on her plate - he saw two eyes looking out from beneath the edge of the cover.

The call the waiter over and tell him what's happening, to which he replies "Oh no, there has been a mix-up in the kitchen.  Instead of the Surprising Chicken, we have brought out the Peeking Duck".

A lion, an elephant and a chicken are discussing who is King of the Jungle.

The elephant says, "I only have to raise my trunk and bellow and everyone can tell that I'm King of the Jungle".

The lion says "I only have to roar, and everyone knows I'm King of the Jungle"

"That's nothing", says the chicken.  "These days, I only have to sneeze and everyone sh**s themselves". (This was a topical bird ‘flu joke at the time)

George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are out having dinner in Washington.  When the waitress comes over to take the order, George says bodly, "I'd like a quickie!"

The waitress looks shocked and replies "We haven't done those since Bill Clinton used to come here."

George looks confused until Rumsfeld leans over to explain "It's pronounced Quiche, George"

A young girl is writing to her mother, having just come back from her honeymoon.  "Well mum, married life is great, just as good as you said it would be, but... my husband is insatiable.  We have made love in the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, dining room, garden, everywhere in fact.  It's amazing - but can you please excuse the jerky writing in this letter."

A man goes to the doctor and says "Can you give me anything for my bowels?"

The doctor says "Why, aren't you regular?"

"Yes" says the man, "regular as clockwork every morning at 7 am"

"So, what's the problem?" says the doctor

"I don't get up until 8" says the man

A pheasant and a rabbit are by the side of the road talking.  How do you get across, says the pheasant.  It's easy said the rabbit, you line yourself up in the middle of the lights, roll yourself into a ball and then just wait.

The following morning the rabbit find a squashed pheasant in the middle of the road.  "Mm...I wonder what the chances were of the first car coming along being a Robin Reliant?", he muses.

How do you change a cat into a dog?  It's simple...petrol, matches...then it goes woof!!! - An old one, but worth hearing again.

Have you heard the one about the girl from Essex who took her 10 boys to register with the doctor.  The weary-looking receptionist said "Let's start with the eldest, what's his name?"  "Wayne" the girl replied.  "And what's the next one called?" asked the receptionist.  "Oh, he's Wayne too - in fact they're all called Wayne."  "Isn't that a bit awkward when you want to call them in for dinner or something?" the receptionist retorted.  "Oh, no" said the girl "they just all come at once".  "But what if you want to tell them off, what do you do then"?  "If I need to do that, I just call them by their surnames" the girl replied.

"I've just been having a look on e-Bay.  I was looking to see if I could find one of those wife-swap things.  I want to swap mine for a new longbow."

Have you heard the one about Robin Hood on his deathbed?  He said, "Wherever this arrow lands...bury me there."  So we buried him on top of the wardrobe!!

Victoria needed to buy David Beckham a birthday present.  What do you get the man who has everything?  A Thermos, of course.  David said "What's this, Victoria?   "It's a Thermos", she replied.  "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold".     For the next Real Madrid match, David is on the team coach with his thermos and Michael Owen says "what have you got there, David?"  "It's a Thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."  "What have you got in there then?" asks Michael.  "Oh, 2 cups of coffee and a choc ice" was the answer.